Cravings for Crave (Donuts, that is)

The fact I have ballooned to a record 240 pounds (and counting) during the pandemic should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me.

I had knee surgery in January and have done next to no exercise since my OHIP-sponsored rehab ended the first week of March. I am old, I am inherently lazy and I no longer have to get up to go to work every day.

Also, I drink the odd beer or three and my efforts to eat responsibly have been kind of weak, to be honest.

But I have my desires, my cravings and every once in a while, responsible adulting be damned. And if the moon is right and the stars align - or, put another way, if I happen to be passing through Whitby before 11 in the morning Monday to Saturday and I ordered in advance - I give in to those sweet, deep-fried desires.

It is donuts I crave, but not any donuts. Only Crave Doughnuts will do.

Crave Doughnuts is the passion project of young entrepreneurs Nicole Morais and Jeremy Black who, after eating their way across western Canada a few years back came back home and started making donuts from their home. They sold their signature brioche dough creations to local bakeries and at weddings and such before opening their own bricks 'n mortar business on Lupin Drive in late 2019.

The popularity of the new business spread quickly through social media and word-of-mouth (literally) and long lineups greeted Nicole & Jeremy and their small staff every morning when they opened up, which just as quickly became a problem when the pandemic was declared in March.

So they tweaked their business model to comply with social distancing guidelines (not to mention keeping their plaza neighbours happy), and pre-ordering from two or three pre-boxed options became the new norm.

I got to experience the lineup once in early March before our world got turned on its head, and I've been back to Crave for a half-dozen order twice since I moved to Toronto. The first time I was in the area visiting my son Jacob and I gave the boy a precious donut before I left.

When I got home a wave of guilt and shame rushed over me as I considered the calories and I gave two away to my folks.

This time around I wasn't going to make that mistake. To hell with the consequences and to hell with greedy family members. I was going to buy six super decadent, super tasty, super calorie-rich Crave donuts and eat every last one if it killed me.

I sincerely hoped it wouldn't come to that.

My six. My quest

I wasn't seeing Jake this trip - I had some business in Oshawa, which was my 'excuse' for visiting Crave - so my only responsibility after picking up my delicacies was to see my pal Steve in the Shwa and then shoot down to Town Brewery and pick up some supplies from one of Ontario's finest and most consistently awesome beer makers.

But first, a donut. I wasn't leaving my parking spot until I enjoyed at least one. Right here. Right now.

11:40 AM - Vanilla Sprinkle

I chose this one about 20 seconds after my order was delivered to my car (my friendly Donut Wizard noticed me chowing down and gave me an understanding wink) because it had green icing (everyone knows green icing is the worst) and it had sprinkles (sprinkles are for kids) and I wanted to save the best ones for last.

The icing was delicious, the sprinkles (actually 'crunchy rainbow jimmies') were delicious and the donut was, not surprisingly, delicious.

12:10 PM - Honey Vanilla Cruller

Again with the 'save the best for last' strategy, I picked the inoffensive cruller next, scarfing this one down in a Canadian Tire parking lot in Oshawa after concluding my business. I figured a reward was in order, so I enjoyed this donut while leaning against the back of my 98-hp, super sexy Chevy Spark.

This was so much better than I imagined. Sweet, with a melt-in-your-mouth texture that made me feel shame for questioning the bona fides of the whole cruller genre.

The downside to eating this donut? It was over too quickly.

Next stop: Town

My brewery stop put a hold on my donut cravings for a short while but that was okay because my timing was perfect: Town had just released a Triple IPA, a collaboration with TO's Blood Brothers Brewing. So I grabbed my take-homes and sat at a table sipping an Outside Jokes APA while the line of TIPA fans formed behind me. Even got called 'sweetie' by our server, who had to deal with a socially-distanced full house - PLUS all the to-go TIPA boys - for putting a few cases of the beer into the fridge for her.

She was busy, ya know?

But Town was not where I had my third donut. That was about an hour later (and after a nice phone call from an old friend and former Buster Rhino's colleague) when I decided to stop in at Lynde Shores Conservation Area on the way back.

I used to love this place and I would take the kids there when they were smaller to feed the chickadees (magic!) and walk the nature trails. There were no chickadees this day (though I did spy a heron and a blue jay) because the place is now overrun with mallard ducks and Canada geese, so much so I had to shoo them off the path just to get by.

Still cool, though, and afterward, with my heart and soul a little more at peace, I opened my box of sugary goodness for the third time.

The ducks at Lynde Shores

1:30 PM - French Toast

This donut was amazing. Super decadent, with cinnamon glaze, brown butter toast crunch AND a maple glaze and I had to stop myself from moving on to Donut #4 before I left the parking lot. I was barely able to resist temptation, in fact, because I nibbled on a bit of the fritter that looked ... out of place. You know, in a feng shui kind of way.

Anyway, I made it to Downsview without any further incidents and held out for a little while at home too before sitting down to polish off my fourth donut of the day.

4:50 PM - Caramel Apple Fritter

Way better than the fritter from Tim Hortons, I can tell you that. But what followed was a sugar-rush headache that persisted through most of the evening. I knew then I wasn't going to finish all six on this day, but I also knew #5 was going to be in my belly before my head hit my pillow.

9:55 PM - Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake

The box was staring at me, taunting me in fact, and even though I was still suffering from a sugar high, I was weakening. And at five minutes before ten I put my fifth donut of the day in front of me. This was Pumpkin Spice, a flavour I have found wanting in beer but in donuts, it just works. Man, does it work.

This could be the best donut I have ever eaten, though it could have been the sugar sweats talking. The absolute richness of this was almost overwhelming and I staggered to bed with my belly happy and my brain not so much.

It was going to be a long night.

12:40 PM - Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

Twenty-five hours after my first donut, I was finally ready to finish my six-pack. "Reese's Peanut Butter Cup," I said to the lone donut left in the box, "you're up."

If you had more than 2,000 sugar-bomb calories coursing through your system you'd be talking to your breakfast too.

This was the donut I had been looking forward to the most, being a massive PB fan, and I had to admit it suffered just a bit being now a day old, though the filling was chocolate/peanut butter deliciousness. A very good donut, but not my favourite.

The Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake was the most decadent, but if I had to pick a winner - a donut that was rich but not too sweet - it would be French Toast, with the humble Honey Vanilla Cruller not far behind.

And if you ask me if I learned anything from my experience, my answer would be yes: don't do this again.

A half-dozen donuts, no matter how delicious, are meant for sharing, ya greedy bastard.