The Barrie (and Beyond) beer scene steals my liver heart

You know that feeling you got when you were a kid and you skipped school to hang with your friends, 'borrowed' your brother's car to go to Buffalo for the weekend (sorry Brian) or hosted that wild party after your folks explicitly told you not to?

It was always a euphoric mix of guilt and happiness, and if you were of strong mind, it was shame free as well. Which was not always easy if you were a less than well adjusted teen like I was.

Most of the time, if you were a good boy, that little voice in your head (sounding exactly like Jiminy Cricket) could usually hold its own against that other voice (sounding exactly like Shia Labeouf saying "just doooo it!") but this time, Jiminy knew he was beat.

I was going to Barrie to drink beer with my friends, and Jiminy was coming with.

And, as I discovered a couple of Saturdays ago on my way to cottage country for the Barrie (and Beyond) Craft Brewery Invasion 2018, sneaking away for a good time with your pals gets a LOT easier when you are older.

The Brew Crue reunited

This trip was going to be a reunion of the Whitby Craft Brewery Invasion 2017, one year (almost to the day) of that super cool awesome event.

The same seven peeps were on board - Don, Hago, Josh, Candice, Joe, Paul and myself - and I was looking forward to the Brew Crue trip for months.

So when I saw the snow - at least five centimetres worth - on my driveway as I prepared to head to work at five that morning for my (scheduled) three-hour shift, I was more than a little worried this snow was going to be a problem for me.

See, my friends were expecting me by nine a.m. at the latest (the four Oshawa-based Brew Crue were all headed north in Josh's van) and there was no way I was going to let a few inches of the white stuff stop me from another epic adventure with my friends.

There would be flashing, there would be (multiple) stories involving asses - heart-shaped, moon-shaped and otherwise - there would be great beer served by fantastic people, and there would be a ton of memories created.

I wasn't missing this for a few inches of snow.

So at nine a.m., with one plaza shovelled and salted and ready for Christmas shoppers and my boy Ethan set up at our second plaza with his marching orders, I punched out, left a message for my boss and headed for Oshawa and my rendezvous with beer-soaked shenanigans in Barrie.

Consequences be damned, #sorrynotsorry and all that.

Don, Josh and myself in the kick-ass limo
(sorry, GMC Yukon XL) that Hago rented
for the weekend

Thirty minutes later I'm in the van with Josh, Candice and Joe and we were cruising north towards Barrie, with a song in my heart, a spring in my step and an insatiable thirst to get this show on the road.

An insatiable thirst, anyway, though quenching it would have to wait until we got to the limo, which was actually a eight-passenger GMC Yukon XL.

But I digress.

The ride up to Barrie was a blast, highlighted by Candice's story of road-not-quite rage on a trip with friends to Montreal a few years back that climaxed with our girl showing off her butt cheeks to a very surprised group of fellow travellers.

It's a story I dubbed (very appropriately) Clap, Finger, Moon.

I know Candice's driving, uh ... style, first hand, but this time she was riding shotgun and her crew this day was getting close to the Quebec border when they got behind a family who were driving a bit too slow for her liking. So when they finally sped up Candice gave them an exaggerated 'clap' when the opportunity presented itself.

Matt, our most excellent host at Barnstormer

After a pit stop that gave the family the lead again, they took that opportunity to give Candice the 'finger,' which prompted her to press her ass to the window and give them the most epic response.

There was more to the story (which took nearly a hour to tell, mostly because Joe kept interrupting), involving cops and some such, but that's for another day. Or maybe not.

In any event, we had arrived, and only about 30 minutes late (thanks to me), which Hago insisted was not a problem, despite his very military-like itinerary that had us arriving at Barnstormer Brewing - our first stop - kind of like now.

No worries, said our military man, as we all piled into the limo (I'm just going to go ahead and call it a limo for the rest of the story, as it makes any mention of open alcohol much more legal-like) and headed to Barnstormer.

We were greeted at the door by Matt, one of Barnstormer's brewers and our host on what would be an ambitious five-brewery day that would take us to two counties, three towns and many, many glasses of great craft beer.

I guess that last part was a given.

I only see Hago once a year so we got
some catching up to do

Hago picked Barnstormer to lead off this adventure because the kitchen was strong and he believed we needed fuel for our bellies (fish and chips for me) to fend off the alcohol to come.

Good call Hago.

Naturally, as the brewery is named after WW1 pilots who, with surplus Biplanes on the cheap after the war, started 'barnstorming' across the country performing daredevil stunts, growing great moustaches AND kick-starting commercial aviation, we all had 'flights' of the brewery's offerings, right?

Guess only Candice and I thought of it. The rest of the heathens all had pints. I can understand the thought of getting a flight at an aviation-themed brewery being lost on my pal Don - when we went to J School together a million years ago he was already middle-aged and he is positively ancient now - but the others?

Heathens. But the best kind.

My notes were wet and soggy - as usual - so I only remember Flight Delay IPA and Accelerated IIPA, and there might have been a Pilsner as well. Candice's order is also lost to the ether, but I recalled the flight number: 1-5-7-9. Go figure.

I gotta start recording notes on my phone like all the kids (and Don) do these days.

So we ate and drank while Matt regaled us with stories about the history of barnstorming and about Betty, the somewhat controversial 40s-style pin-up girl that remains an integral part of the brewery's branding.

And then Matt brought out samples of a yet-unnamed and "not quite ready" 7.5 per cent brew that was dubbed  - quite accurately - "stouterrific" by our genial host.

Hago with Sarah, Muskoka Brewery's most awesome
Digital Marketing Specialist. Sarah took real good care of us

Smoky, quite rich and delicious. Tasted ready to me.

The long drive to Bracebridge was next, so we piled back into the limo with our beer buys and headed north to stop number two: Muskoka Brewery.

That's when Hago took over the story telling mantle, while we happily passed around bottles from Manantler, Town and Little Beasts - party favours, I called them - and cans of Chocolate Milk Stout from Brock Street, courtesy of Josh, Oshawa's Greatest Carpenter.

Don (who still remembers the original) calls him Jesus.

Anyway, we were all having a great time partying like rock stars when Hago told the tale of the Heart Shaped Ass, which took us back a few years to a Foo Fighters concert at the Rogers Centre in Toronto.

Seems a young lady wanted a better view of the band performing Everlong during the encore so she climbed on her boyfriend's shoulders. There being alcohol and other substances involved, they asked Hago (a total stranger) if he could put his hand in the small of her back to prevent any possible disaster.

The Muskoka Survival Pack that was
gifted us by Sarah, who is most certainly
NOT the social media voice of Mad Tom

So Hago watched the encore with a perfect, "heart-shaped" bum in his face the entire song. "Dave Grohl sang that song to me through her ass. I wasn't complaining at all."

It was also a great story to help us pass the time as Dan, our (very) patient Air Force driver, piloted us through the majestic Canadian Shield landscape that was our route from Barrie to Bracebridge and Muskoka Brewery.

And we couldn't have picked a better time to go, as it was Winter Village at Muskoka, with local businesses and artisans taking over the brewery for the day.

If you wanted arts & crafts, snacks (beer cookies, anyone?), entertainment or just a delicious beer, this was the place to be.

Did I mention beer cookies? I think I did, and they were so good I visited the booth twice. I bought another cookie the second time 'round, but the real reason for stopping by Granny Lyn's Kitchen - "Homemade With Love" - was to thank Murray, my affable beer cookie salesman, for going way above and beyond the call of duty and returning the keys my dumbass had left behind.

I was already around the corner amidst a thick throng of people when the man caught up with me. Talk about going the extra mile, or at least a couple hundred feet.

Thank you, Murray.

I eventually made it to the other side of the brewery where most of the Brew Crue were chilling betwixt and between a ping-pong table and a bar, where Muskoka was doing a brisk business selling Ebb & Flow, their new 2.4 per cent Session Sour.

Sawdust City Adam

It's also where we ran into Sarah, Muskoka's boss of Digital Marketing and where we had our first beer-related accident.

With a ping-pong table on my left, I happily challenged Joe to a match, which we played with drinks in one hand and paddle in the other. So I naturally smashed my first return to Joe's left, which he promptly try to volley with the hand holding the glass of beer and great hilarity ensued.

No one was harmed during "the incident" - though one woman gave Joe us a dirty look - and we made sure the proper cleaning authorities were alerted.

Sarah, who showed up a few minutes after the clean-up, just laughed, and gifted us with an armful of Survival Packs containing six of Muskoka's finest beers (plus an Ebb & Flow) and a beer glass.

We then unanimously declared we loved Sarah, even though there were whispers that she was, in fact, the voice of 'Mad Tom,' the crusty, curmudgeonly and top secret Twitter account that is (possibly) unsupported and unsanctioned by the brewery itself.

'Mad Tom' himself chimed in two days later on Twitter, declaring that Sarah was an "imposter," and that the "closest I'd get to you buffoons is never. I can't wait to burn your stupid articles."

No way that's Sarah, I replied. She's going to LOVE our stupid articles. Even Grampa Don's.

One gift shop stop later (where I left my keys behind again. Thank you Candice!) we were back in the limo and headed to nearby Gravenhurst, home of the legendary Sawdust City Brewery.

This picture taught me that Candice loves barrel-aged beer
and that she has mad selfie skills

This was a brewery that has always been on my bucket list. It's the home of Lone Pine and Twin Pine IPAs, as well as a humongous beer fridge and the world's largest Muskoka Chair, which would presumably make it even bigger than Muskoka Brewing's own over-sized Muskoka Chair.

That little tidbit of intel was a challenge to Josh and Candice, the youngest members of the squad, who climbed the snow-covered chair with little difficulty.

Not-so-young Joe (at least he's younger than Don) also reached the summit, though it was touch and go for a while and the trip down the chair had a rescue team on hand. Just in case.

We were met inside by Sawdust City Adam, who appears to perform almost every task at the brewery (#heisdueforaraisesam) and would take us around the place on a proper tour before depositing us at the bar to get our drinks in.

The highlight of the tour - as well as the Sad Emoji Moment - was in the basement, where Sawdust City's barrel program is born and raised. There were nearly 50 barrels in total, including one that nearly made me cry: a barrel of 11.05 that had become infected and was sentenced to drain pour.

11.05 is annual collaboration celebrating the shared birthdays of Sawdust City Brewmaster Sam Corbeil and Nickel Brook/Collective Arts wonderboy Ryan Morrow. This year's version (11.05 per cent, natch) is a Belgian Quad with oak and cherries and I have deliberately held onto my lone can to honour the sacrifice made by that infected beer.

Here are Candice and Josh at the snow-covered peak,
having conquered the world's largest Muskoka
Chair at Sawdust City Brewing 

I will remember.

From to the cellar to the bar for the Crue, and I found myself sitting with Candice and Paul and enjoying the moment, as well as a flight of Let's Get B.I.S.A. (a Belgian-inspired Session Ale), Lone Pine, Long, Dark Voyage to Uranus and a guest pale ale from Thunder Bay's Sleeping Giant Brewery.

The next stop on our itinerary was the drive back to Barrie and the Four Points Sheraton, where the plan was to check in, have a shower and sober up a bit for dinner and the final two destinations: Redline and Flying Monkeys.

The fact we made it back to Dan and the limo almost on schedule but not really any more sober - Paul breaking out the high-test stuff in the hotel didn't help - was close enough to a win for me.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Oh, and there was flashing as well, as Candice spotted Don having a smoke in the parking below the hotel room and gave the old man an eyeful. I thought it was a brilliant idea, so I did the same, except I wasn't wearing a bra underneath, so I gave him TWO eyefuls.

Actually, I think I'll leave this part out of the story.

Anyway, our penultimate brewery (and our destination for dinner) was next, and Redline Brewhouse would be the one I was most looking forward to visiting.

The amazing Kaitlyn and Dex from
Redline Brewhouse

Redline's beers - notably Double Clutch Imperial IPA and the decidedly more sessionable but just as tasty Clutch - have always been in my wheelhouse so this south-end brewery was a must see for me.

Turned out this sentiment was shared by several other Brew Crue members.

And we got the 'special' VIP treatment at Redline. That is, we got treated at every stop like royalty, but at Redline we were pirated in from an alley at the back door.

That's either Special VIP or "let's sneak these drunken bastards in the back way so no one sees them."

Either way I felt special.

There was one not-so-small complication, however. Paul took a tumble in the alley upon exiting the limo and turned an ankle pretty bad, making the simple act of walking difficult and painful. But, with a little help from his friends and the understanding of Kaitlyn, Redline's extra awesome Sales Manager, Paul soldiered on.

Which was excellent news for all of us, as Kaitlyn had prepared a table laden with delicious brews for us to try. There was the Double Clutch/Clutch tandem, a Brown Ale called Leather Interiors and a few barrel-aged beauties as well.

Grampa Don with Paul from Redline.
If you see Don, ask him how he got that blue in
that award-winning (and bitchin') stache.

Kaitlyn was soon joined by Dex, who has 12 or so titles at Redline, and the two of them took us through the tasting session before passing us off to Paul for a tour of the brewing section.

An entertaining and informative tour it was, a fact I mentioned to Kaitlyn
when the tour was complete. "He's not even a brewer," she said of Paul. "But we're lucky to have him."

I should say so.

Dinner was next, and this time it was Joe on hand to make sure we were well taken care of.

Like I said: Special VIP Treatment.

We decided to make a pit stop at the hotel before we hit up Flying Monkeys, our final brewery of the day. What with Paul's bum ankle and a few other (possibly alcohol-related) complications, it was a compact squad of four - Josh, Candice, Hago and myself - that completed the mission by cruising to downtown Barrie.

Good call gentlemen.

The downside of that decision was Don didn't get to meet Peter and Andrea Chiodo, the owners of this legendary brewery. My Beer Bro and college chum has chatted with Andrea, who handles social media for the Monkeys, many, many times but they had yet to connect.

For what it's worth, I didn't get to meet them either. I saw both of them, and Andrea spoke at length with us, but she was speaking to the other side of the table and frankly, I thought Andrea was another staffer or perhaps a very friendly regular.

This pic of Hago and Josh perfectly captures
the super cool ambiance at Flying Monkeys
Brewing, as well the state of inebriation at
this, our final stop of the day

Oopsie. Next time, then.

In any event, the four of us were treated royally, as we had been treated all day.

I could definitely get used to this.

I had more than my share of beer by this time, so I opted for something sessionable. Smart, huh? And then the Invictus came out. An 18 per cent monster of a Bourbon barrel-aged Russian Imperial Stout also know as Good God Man - What are you Drinking?, this brew would have been enough to put me on my ass all by itself.

So I settled for a 5-ounce pour.

And then the Viva Rose (I think that's what they called it) arrived at the table. A mash of the brewery's 12 Minutes To Destiny Hibiscus Pale Lager and their Chocolate Manifesto Triple Chocolate Milk Stout, this was a pretty potent brew in its own right.

So I enjoyed just a 5-ounce pour of that too. And then I glanced across the table at Candice, who was happily drinking a full pint of the stuff.

Jeebus.

But all good things must come to an end, and after waiting for Candice to finish her glass - "Is it time to go already?" - we exited to Dan and the waiting limo with one thing on our collective minds: sleep.

The next day, this rag-tag but well rested bunch rose at the cheerful hour of 10 or so to go to breakfast at Deb's Place, because there's nothing better than a deliciously greasy plate of bacon and eggs to ward off the hangover spirits.

Except for Candice, who stayed in the limo to catch up on her sleep as she didn't get much the night before. "I kept kept getting drunker during the night," she complained.

What's left of the Brue Crew after breakfast
on Sunday. A capper to a wonderful weekend.

Grampa Don was missing as well, because he 'phantomed' in the morning before I could give him his care package of beer I brought from home. I'm guessing Don wanted a head start on drinking all his Barrie and Beyond beers he brought with him. Or maybe the senior's centre where he lives has a curfew, I dunno.

But to paraphrase Shakespeare. I come to praise Ceasar Don, not to bury him. He and Hago did an absolutely fantastic job of organizing (and bankrolling) this adventure and their efforts will not be forgotten.

Praise of the highest order also goes out to Barnstormer Brewing & Distilling, Muskoka Brewery, Sawdust City Brewing, Redline Brewhouse and Flying Monkeys Craft Brewery. Your collective hospitality was amazing and we thank you from the bottoms (and the tops) of our hearts.

All that was left for me was to face the music at the work the next day for leaving early on Saturday to make my connection to this epic party.

But I'm a big boy. My 'punishment' was not something I couldn't handle and I can categorically state that I REGRET NOTHING. It was all worth it.

Cheers!