2015 Beer of 

the Year Awards 

(Part 1)

So many beers. So many wonderful beers.

When I wrote my Mid-Summer Beer of the Year blog in early August I declared that it had been a "really good year for beer" so far. Since then I've  reviewed no less than 61 new beers, so 2015 has only gotten better.

I could call 2015 the Year of the Beer, but I expect every year going forward will be described the same, so I'll just say this year rocked!

There have been some stinkers - a Hefeweizen or two, a couple or three light lagers, a few macro beers (including Molson Export and Lucky Beer's Lucky Buddha) - and there have been many, many glorious examples of the proper use of hops, barley, yeast and water.

More than a dozen new beers rated in the past four months ave been worthy of being a finalist on this highly subjective list. Founders Brewing of Michigan gave me a trio of beers to consider this fall and there was also a trifecta of rare Triple IPAs that jumped into consideration for Beer of the Year, with two of them coming very late in the race. There were three new and exceptional IPAs - including one brewed in honour of iconic Toronto punk band The Diodes; three Double IPAs; and even an Imperial Brown Ale, just to name a few that made a late run for the prize.

I put the newbies against my mid-summer winners and, well here we are at the (Second Annual) IPA Tales Beer of the Year Awards:

I tried plenty of superb Strong Ales in recent months - so many, in fact, the mid-summer winner in the Belgian Strong Ale category (Chimay Bleue) and American Strong Ale favourite Arrogant Bastard from Stone Brewing didn't even make the cut in this catch-all division, in which I lumped Quadrupels, Tripels and Belgian Ales together with American and English Strong Ales.

Rochefort Trappiste 10, last year's champ in the Abbey Ale category, is a Strong Ale finalist, as is Avery Brewing of Colorado's The Reverend; Duvel's Tripel Hop, Westmalle Tripel; and Manantler's 3 Legged Dog. For the win I went with the beer that tasted of "ripe fruit of various ages," was simultaneously "sweet and bitter,"" and was just a superb world class beer:

Rochefort Trappiste 10 (Strong Ale)

Pilsner was a hit or miss category for me this year. There were several terrible beers that just missed the cut for the Worst Beer of the Year (I'm not naming names but one had  something to do with apples and two more paired well with trucks) and there were two fantastic examples - the same two from the mid-summer list: Black Oak's Epiphany No. 2 and Great Lakes' Long Dong Pilsner. The winner, with its lemongrass and spices aroma and creamy texture, remained unchanged from August.

Great Lakes Beer Long Dong Pilsner (Pilsner)

Couchsurfer (Indie Ale House) and State of Mind (Collective Arts) were my mid-summer Session Beer finalists and I can now add Manantler's Steady Horse to that list. The newcomer - "juicy and delicious" is how I described it - steals the win here.

Manantler Steady Horse (Session IPA)

Wheat Ales - another catch-all category - started strong this year but faded a bit near the end of the year. My finalists remained unchanged from August: 2014 winner All or Nothing Hefeweizen and Mid-Summer champ Wag the Wolf from Beaus. The current champion was not dethroned.

Beau's All Natural Wag the Wolf (Wheat Ale)

Golden Ales also tailed off in my interest after a  strong start to the year, with Manantler's The Citra Situation (which I haven't see since last winter) again besting Saint of Circumstances from Collective Arts.

Manantler The Citra Situation (Golden Ale)

The Belgian IPA category is a long time favourite and I considered four finalists this year. There was La Formidable, the Beau's collaboration with Gigantic Brewing of Portland, Oregon, which tasted of lemon and grapefruit with "plenty of Belgian spices;"  Catherine Wheel from Bellwoods, with bubblegum, spices, lemony hops, pepper and wild flowers; Cali-Belgique from Stone, which appeared in Ontario liquor stores earlier this year and then disappeared; and Audrey Hopburn from Great Lakes. This was close - I drank La Formidable more but I think I liked Audrey the best.

Great Lakes Beer Audrey Hopburn (Belgian IPA)

There were quite a few categories with just one worthy finalist, though it didn't mean they weren't worthy champions. Apocalypso, a White IPA from Le Trou du Diable, produced a near perfect combination of citrus, spices, tropical fruit and awesomeness; Drew and Steve's Imperial Mutt Brown Ale is a wonderful example of what brewers can do with a Brown Ale and why Stone Brewing can do no wrong; my first Belgian Pale Ale (Continental Drift from Nickel Brook) turned out to be superb; and Blacksmith knocked me over with their excellent Smoked Porter.

Le Trou du Diable Four Surfers of the Apocalypso (White IPA)
Stone Drew & Steve's Imperial Brown Ale  (Brown Ale)
Nickel Brook Continental Drift (Belgian Pale Ale)
Nickel Brook Equilibrium (ESB)
Highlander Blacksmith Smoked Porter (Porter)
Creemore Springs (Mad & Noisy) Hops & Bolts (India Pale Lager)
Bellwoods Farmhouse Saison (Saison)
Innis & Gunn Toasted Oak IPA (British IPA)
Manantler The Dark Prince (Black IPA)

I split Stouts into two categories this year and I was all set to anoint Manantler's  Rococo Chocolate Milk Stout as the Sweet Stout winner until I bought myself a bottle of The Chocolate Manifesto from Flying Monkeys over the holidays. This beer clocks in at 10 per cent ABV so it is definitely an Imperial Stout, but OMG this was sweet! Three kinds of chocolate make this beer taste like those rum-filled chocolates you get at Christmas. In beer.

Flying Monkeys The Chocolate Manifesto (Sweet Stout)

The Imperial Stout class was a far tougher category in which to pick a winner than it was in 2014, as my palate finally adjusted enough to really appreciate the dark deliciousness of the style.

The finalists for this year include 2014 winner Wellington Imperial Russian Stout, plus WOOT Stout from Stone/Farkin/Wheaton (yes, Will Wheaton of Star Trek and Stand By Me fame)and Founders Breakfast Stout from Grand Rapids, Michigan.

I was anticipating adding The Imperial Bout from Great Lakes to this list but, what with the busy holiday season and a battle with a Christmas Cold, I never got around to drinking it and there she still sits in my fridge.

I'll get to that in 2016.

I also have a rare and expensive ($34.70 a freaking bomber!) bottle of Goose Island's Bourbon County Vanilla Rye Stout in my pantry, which I expect to enjoy early in the new year and also expect to see on this list in the 2016 'Best Of' blog. 

The champ comes from both 600 kilometres straight west and south of the border at the same time and was a phenomenally delicious blend of bitter coffee and dark chocolate.

Founders Breakfast Stout (Imperial Stout)

I made up my own category - Hybrid IPA - to honour a couple of beers that were a tad difficult to properly pigeon hole. Hopsta la Vista (Longslice Brewery) - which I enjoyed at the Burlington Beer Fest - was pretty good but the winner here was a hoppy/malty brew that invoked ancient yearnings for my father's Scottish hometown.

Brew Dog Punk IPA (Hybrid IPA)

In Part Two of this blog (hopefully tomorrow) I will honour the best of the IPAs and their friends, as well as Brewery of the Year, Top Brewmaster and Beer of the Year.

The final category for Part 1 is a new class for 2015: Worst Beer of the Year. Because some beers just suck.

It was tough to choose my least favourite beers, what with those pesky Hefeweizens (though I love All or Nothing's take on the style - Oshawa represent!); the Pilsners mentioned earlier and a pumpkin beer or two.

Not so Lucky Ale from Lucky Buddha

My four finalists in this prestigious (!) category include a Rye Pale Ale (Forked River Riptide); a found-only-in-America Bourbon Barrel Ale from Labatt (Prohibition Series) and an old favourite (Molson Export) which was actually the best of the bunch.

But my choice for champion, a gift from my ex-wife (honestly we are still great friends!), was an easy one:

"Pale yellow pour with a persistent, creamy head; which is probably the best thing about the beer. Smells vaguely of spices and tastes of lemon, metal shavings and sweet malts."

Yeah, metal shavings. 

Lucky Ale (Lucky Buddha), which comes in a funky green bottle that would be a cool flower vase except looking at it would be a painful reminder of how bad the beer tasted, is my Worst Beer of 2015.

Cheers!

Found beer is the best beer - especially at Christmas time

When Stone beer was introduced to Ontario liquor stores in the spring it was a really big deal in the craft beer community but it was a HUGE deal for me. Stone, you see, is the brewery that can do no wrong and is my favourite brewery in the world.

So when the Escondido, California brewers announced they were sending Stone IPA, Cali-Belgique IPA and Arrogant Bastard - an iconic American Strong Ale that propelled Stone into the marketplace nearly two decades ago - to the LCBO I was naturally excited.

And I snapped up some of each when they arrived and continued to do so until one day a month or so later they were gone.

Save for an appearance at my local in early summer I haven't seen Arrogant Bastard since.

Until 5:30 this morning - Christmas Eve morning - when I found a bottle in a bus shelter in Ajax.

I work with a bunch of macro beer drinkers who wouldn't know an Arrogant Bastard ale from a Coors Light (fail) and I expect if one of them discovered the bottle on their morning litter run it would disappear into the nearest garbage bin.

But not me. I knew what it was and I let everyone know what I found: Seven point two per cent of malty, hoppy goodness in a bottle and only three-plus months past the best before date.

It was love.

But where did it come from?

Stone has been discontinued at the LCBO and my research found there are a few bottles scattered
around some downtown outlets but none in the Ajax store, which is located directly behind the bus stop in question.

So it had to come from someone's stash - there is a small housing subdivision on the other side of Kingston Road - and it was simply left it behind in the bus shelter as he or she left home to go to a party.

Merry Christmas ya Arrogant Bastard.

I know it sucks to lose something precious but if the person who lost the bottle is reading this, take comfort in the knowledge that (as I write this) it is being put to good use.

Thank you.

I found $20 yesterday, so today was the second day in row in which I left work richer than when I arrived. They say good things come in three, so tomorrow should be wonderful as well and well, pass me the antlers and call me Rudolph but it's Christmas tomorrow so there you go.

It's a special weekend for me, actually, as I am taking the J Man with me to a cottage near Bobcaygeon for a reunion with the Scottish clan and my cousin Neil, who has arrived with his family from Australia after a decade or so away and might have even remembered to bring an Australian IPA or two with him.

(He may have forgotten too, but I won't mind. Miss you Cuz.)

The following day my family celebrates Christmas at my daughter Adrianne's beautiful farmhouse near Millbrook so I am seriously stoked for the weekend.

Cheers and Merry Christmas everyone!.

Grocery beers, Peyton Manning and Triple IPAs

I don't want to sound ungrateful about the beer-in-grocery-stores present gifted to us by the Ontario government last week, but jeez Louise this wasn't much of a launch.

Oh sure, Premier Wynne was on hand last Tuesday to kick off this new era in beer sales - and my "new era" line may be a bit of hyperbole - and her choice of a six-pack of Rhyme and Reason from Collective Arts .was a smart political decision because it is a damn fine beer.

But I would have hoped for a bigger splash, especially from the newly licensed grocery stores.

On opening day I wandered over to the Loblaws Superstore in North Oshawa - one of 24 in the province and the only store in Durham Region selling beer right now - to see what the fuss was all about. I found not a lot of fuss at all.

I was worried I had been misinformed about the location as I couldn't find the beer section until I had walked clear around the store. And then, there it was. All two end caps worth of beer, with one slightly bored young clerk handling questions from a crowd of two: "Is that all?" and "Where's the PC beer? This is Loblaws, right?"

Which gave me a little perspective on the issue. As a craft beer drinker I had only considered how this affected me and those in the craft-not-crap camp. I had not thought how the macro beer drinkers would feel about it.

My symbolic first purchase at an Ontario grocery store
included a Headstock IPA from Nickel Brook (pictured),
a Canuck Pale Ale (GLB) and a Side Launch wheat beer.

One of the concessions the big beer boys made to make this deal happen - a shocking concession, I thought at the time - was to agree that at least 20 per cent of the beer on the shelves be craft beer. I was following the events of opening day on social media and the general concession was the ratio was closer to 50/50. Here at Harmony and Taunton in Oshawa the number was closer to 70/30.

I know because I counted. Okay, I eye-balled it and made a good guess. Either or.

So if I felt a little underwhelmed by the launch, imagine how Mr. and Mrs. Bud thought about walking into a 'beer store' and seeing only a few of their favourites on display.

It must have been difficult for them.

I spoke to another Loblaws staffer during my walkabout and he assured me the store will be providing more space for more beer in the new year, along with more attention and funds to marketing and promotion, so we have that to look forward to.

For now I am happy there is one more place to buy beer, with two more Durham grocery stores (Farm Boys Whitby and Pickering Metro) coming on line soon.

Merry Christmas and Viva la Revolution!

Peyton Manning and the Colorado sour

The only thing better than good beer is good beer that is free, so when my pal James said he was going to Denver for the weekend to watch a football game and did I want him to pick me up some Colorado beers, I said, well, I said yes, of course.

Duh.

James, the proprietor of Oshawa's legendary Mr. Burger restaurant (home of the world's best Macedonian chicken sandwich), is a big Peyton Manning and Denver Bronco fan. His dad Bill, meanwhile,cheers for the New England Patriots. So with the two teams pencilled in for a late November game, a father-son outing was on.

Mr. Peyton Manning

James is also a huge craft beer lover, having worked in the restaurant business most of his life (Bill owns Stacks, a fancy-pants craft beer bar in Uptown Toronto), so tasting Denver's beer scene was also high on his to-do list that weekend.

Seeing Manning was number one on the list, making James' timing as bad as it gets, as the future first ballot Hall of Famer (Peyton, not James) hit the injury list the week before the game and did not play against New England, who just happened to be 10-0 at the time.

Damn. But there's always the beer.

But in one those that's-why-you-play-the-game moments, the Broncos and back-up quarterback Brock Osweiler played a great game and knocked the Patriots from the ranks of the unbeaten with a thrilling 30-24 overtime win in a raging blizzard, sending James and the rest of the fans in attendance home happy.

Except for Bill, but that's what you get for supporting the New England Patriots. Sorry Bill.

I am also a Broncos fan, so I was happy too, and I was even happier when I saw James a few days later and he gifted me a couple of bottles of Colorado's finest.

The Reverend from Colorado's Avery
Brewing, with some of his friends

Maybe not its finest, as one of them was a Sour, but free beer is automatically good beer, so I was ready for the challenge from the first of the two beers, a Sour/Wild Ale from Paradox Beer called Skully Barrel Number 27.

With 108 IBUs this beer was supposed to be super hoppy but I didn't get the hops at all. There was a little bit of roasted malt on the nose but mostly it was just...sour.

This was my second sour beer of the year and both tasted overwhelmingly sour, to the exclusion of all other flavours. Perhaps in time my palate will adjust. But not yet.

The second beer was more in my wheelhouse: a Quadrupel from Avery Brewing called The Reverend.

This was a big beer, with ten per cent alcohol and a rich, even reverential taste, with dark cherries, plums and other dark fruits, as well as lots of sweet malts and a bit of booze at the end. A real classic Belgian strong ale.

Thanks James. I don't know if Peyton Manning would love this, but I did.

Life Sentence IIIPA

For the second time in less than a month I found myself lining up for a special beer release.

On November 27 I was at the Summerhill LCBO in downtown Toronto for the much anticipated release of Goose Island's Bourbon County Vanilla Rye Stout (read Bourbon County and the InBev Bashers for the rest of the story) and I was back in Toronto last Friday for the release of Life Sentence, a Triple IPA collaboration between Amsterdam and Great Lakes breweries.

There was far less fanfare for Friday's release, but there was still a small hitch in my plan when I showed up at Amsterdam Brewery, thinking (wrongly, as it turned out) that because the beer was brewed there, I should be able to buy it there. Be off to Great Lakes Brewery (on the other side of the city) I was told. No worries.

Life Sentence IIIPA - a collaboration beer
from the great minds at GLB and Amsterdam

Once safely in the GLB retail store I still had to brave a lineup to get my hands on this hop monster but on the bright side, the lineup was exclusively inside and, more importantly, I got to sample the beer while I was in line.

That's how you handle a beer release.

I picked up seven of the tall boy cans - at $5 a can that was all I could afford - along with a pair of Lake Effect IPAs, two Long Dong Pilsners and a big bottle of the Imperial Bout, a 11.9 per cent ABV Vanilla Bean Coffee Stout.

The stout is still in my fridge and the Lake Effect and the Long Dong Pilsner were awesome as always but the real prize was Life Sentence because Triple IPAs  don't come around very often as they are expensive and time consuming to produce.

This one clocked in a 10 per cent and smelled of mango, grapefruit, orange and other tropical fruit goodness. It tasted of powerful citrusy hops and went down very smooth with only a hint of booze. Excellent stuff.

So good in fact that after I gave it an excellent score on Rate Beer (giving the beer its first 'official' score of 96 out of 100), I played Santa and gave a couple away.

I gave one to James because fair is fair, and one went to Trevor at Manantler Brewing in Bowmanville because he asked and because he heaped loads of praise on my blogging style. I may even have blushed.

Enjoy your beer my friends!










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Epic tale of Hop Zombies and heartbreak

"Well, we're fucked."

Nothing good ever happens after you hear those words.

When my beer bro Steve said this to me more than two months ago I knew it was especially bad because this time it involved beer. This time it involved the legendary Hop Zombie Double IPA from Epic Beer in New Zealand and it meant I wasn't going to get it.

It has taken me until now, months later, to even talk about this.

There's a scene on The Simspons (Season 4, Episode 15: I Love Lisa) where Lisa, after rejecting Ralph's appeal for love on live TV, is forced to watch the scene again on the VCR, courtesy of Bart. "Watch this Lis," says Bart. "You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half."

Poor Ralph. I knew exactly how he felt.

After a month of checking my mail box - each day more hopeful than the last - for news of the five hop bombs that were supposed to be coming my way from far away New Zealand, it became clear that my prize was not going to arrive in Oshawa.

Damn.

The legendary hop bomb that is
Epic Hop Zombie

So close, too, as the beer (safely and strategically housed - we thought - in a box marked 'souvenirs') had left Wellington a month earlier and had already cleared customs at Vancouver. Having travelled more than 14,000 kilometres, the beer had a mere sixty clicks to go when a bored customs official deemed it worthy of a random search  at Pearson International Airport.

Busted. Double damn.

Now I don't want to seem I am soft on smuggling or other serious offences, but shipping beer by mail
is an everyday thing and perfectly legal, provided you have the required paperwork. But as soon as you go global (or, say, not be licensed to export beer across international borders) somebody starts looking for a tax to grab and the next thing you know your package is subject to two inspections by customs and your treasonous larceny is discovered.

Steve's treasonous larceny anyway. I was the innocent victim in this sordid tale.

I didn't want to put a curse on the success of the shipment, but I had a feeling something would go wrong after my experience sending beer to Steve in New Zealand the previous year. The poor guy was holed up in Wellington with no access to great Canadian craft beers, so I sent him some. Okay, I lost a bet. It took three-and-a-half months (Around the World in 108 Days) before the beer arrived.

It could have taken so long because I cheaped out on the shipping - Pony Express to the coast, then Sea Turtle the rest of the way - so my old college roommate decided to spare no expense sending me (and other former college roomie Don) care packages of New Zealand brews in return.

But I need to back up here, because before Canada Customs and Canada Post even had a chance to destroy my hopes and dreams, Don was already enjoying his over-hopped monsters in the comfort of his Burlington home.

Truth is, Don enjoyed Kiwi contraband TWICE before all this happened.

And not for the first time I felt those pangs of jealousy when it comes to my pal Don.

Back in June Steve landed at Pearson after many years away to perform the sombre duty of burying his father, John. Don, being the good and noble friend that he is, delivered Steve to his family and offered to host his pal after the funeral for a week of catching up.

My dreams of getting Epic beer from
New Zealand were, like this bottle cap, crushed

So naturally Don got first dibs on the treasures Steve brought with him from home. I knew this but I wasn't worried. I was meeting up with them and some other friends a few days later at Donny's Bar & Grill for a mini college reunion, so I was confident they would save some for me.

They didn't. The bastards.

"As soon as I get back home I will send you some," promised Steve, without even a shred of guilt in his voice.

"I will wait by my mail box until it arrives," I responded. If there was a beer fridge and a bathroom in my building lobby I might still be there.

The first sign of trouble happened August 20 when Steve told me my box of fun had been delayed but was finally en route. "Took me a bit longer to find you a Hop Zombie as the stuff is gold and keeps selling out. You should have it by the middle of next week."

You know where I'll be waiting Steve.

That same day, just five business days after mailing, Don was enjoying his treasures - again. All four beer were certified over-hopped monsters, led by Four Horsemen of the Hopocalypse, a collaborative IIPA that clocked in a 14 per cent alcohol. There was also Triple Eye, a 13 per cent Triple IPA from Panhead; Hellbender from Garage Project (11.2 per cent); and Louisiana Voodoo Queen (also from Garage Project), which was 'only' 9.5 per cent ABV.

Or, as Steve explained it, a "bit more sessionable," which in the New Zealand rating system, includes all beers under ten per cent. "We  set the bar high here in beer heaven," he added.

Sure, Don gets his smuggled beer. Me, not so much

I managed to keep my jealousy under wraps and said all the right things to Don, who also scored a cool Wellington Lions rugby shirt, a t-shirt from Behemoth Brewing and a few other trinkets.

"I am (*grits one teeth*) very happy for you Don," I said.

Trouble spot number two came ten days later when I got a message from Steve that my package had arrived back at his apartment. Seemed one of the bottles broke.

"It wasn't the Hop Zombie that broke; it was the Four Horsemen," Steve assured me, as I already had been told that finding more Hop Zombies on the streets of Wellington was becoming more difficult each day. "Also, the broken beer soaked down the t-shirts so I'm needing to wash and dry them. Re-packaging will ensue once that's done."

And then the wait began again.

Using the tracking number provided by the New Zealand postal service (I told you: Steve spared no expense) we were able to track down my shipment September 9 when we learned it cleared customs in Vancouver.

That was happy news because that was the hard part done. It's here! It's here! And unless somebody drops it again, my box of hoppy awesomeness should be arriving any day now.

I'll be waiting.

A week or so later I inquired as to its whereabouts and was told it would be arriving in one to three business days. When that deadline came and went I inquired again, with the news this time not as wonderful.

"The item had been declared undeliverable and has been returned."

Wait, what?

The only known photo of Canada Post's
Undeliverable Mail Office in Scarborough, Ontario

I contacted Canada Post looking for answers, only to fall down the bureaucratic rabbit hole. Only the sender (Steve) can be told anything about the delivery.

Uh, Steve? Ball's in your court man.

Within the hour Steve was on the case and he quickly learnt the bad news, prompting the reply that broke my heart.

"Well, we're fucked." That one.

We'll never know why Canada Customs opened my box of goodies at Pearson, but maybe, as Steve suggested, they were just bored. In any event, I wasn't going to get my beer.

A few days later I received the first letter from Canada Post, thanking me for my enquiry, expressing "regret" I had not received my package and offering assistance on "resolving this matter."

It was dated September 24 and at the bottom of the letter the 'Contents' were described as Alcohol & Tobacco. Which was odd, but it was partially explained by the letter I received the next day, dated September 23, which clearly spelled out the crime Steve and I had attempted to commit.

(Steve, anyway. I'm the victim  here.)

Dear Customer,

The purpose of this letter is to advise you that a mail item addressed to you contained intoxicating beverage(s)/liquor listed below and has been removed from the mail stream: 5 bottles of beer.

The importation of such item(s) by mail is prohibited under the Importation of Intoxicating Liquors Act. Consequently, Canada Post must dispose of the item(s).

The letter went on to say that the item(s) would be 'detained' (like, held prisoner?) at Canada Post's Undeliverable Mail Office in Scarborough for thirty days, just in case I decided to pay for the postage required to send it back to New Zealand.

Oh Bart.What would you do for a Hop Zombie?

That wasn't going to happen, but it did give me, ever the eternal optimist, hope. It hadn't been destroyed yet, dammit!

So I phoned the 1-866 number and I was told I could have the bottles - after they had been emptied, of course -  if I wanted. That proposal didn't interest me either, but it did spark an idea, one that would involve a little spy work, the small matter of theft of government property, and bin diving, among other late night skulduggery.

I was prepared to do almost anything to get my hands on a Hop Zombie, just like Bart in the same Simpson's episode (Season 4, Episode 15: I love Lisa) mentioned at the top of this tale.

Bart, a huge Krusty the Clown fan, was jealous Lisa was going to the Krusty special with Ralph, and offered to trade places with his sister.

Bart: It isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test!
Lisa: I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he...?
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

So here was my plan. It wasn't foolproof but it was better than nothing.

From my home in Oshawa I could be almost anywhere in Scarborough in 15 minutes - as long as it was three in the morning - so my first move was to find out where the hell Canada Post's Undeliverable Mail Office was located. No address was found during my preliminary inquiries, though I did receive a tip that it may be found in an underground bunker somewhere.

The rest of my plan would unfold in the dark of night after the thirty-day deadline was reached. I assumed 'disposal' would either involve a special ceremony involving sacrifices to the ancient border guards of legend, or they would just toss the bottles into the garbage bin out back.

I was betting on the latter and I was prepared to dive into the bin with a flash light and hope that at least one of the bottles - please, with apologies to the other hop bombs in the package, let it be Hop Zombie - survived the impact.

It would have worked, I am sure of it.

Shirts! I got shirts!

Except I never did find out where the Undeliverable Mail office was located and I promptly forgot about the whole matter until the thirty day deadline had expired.

And then, a day after I realized it was too late, I received a package from Canada Post. Inside were two t-shirts: a Hop Zombie shirt and another from Garage Project.

God Bless you, Canada Post. God Bless you, Canada Customs. I got t-shirts!

And God Bless you, Epic Brewing Company. Please send me beer.

I'll be waiting.

Bourbon County Stout and the InBev bashers

I made it downtown with 15 minutes to spare and got my golden ticket. Number 160.

I was at the Summerhill LCBO, the crown corporation's flagship store, for the release of a special beer - Goose Island Bourbon County Imperial Stout - and the lineup wasn't terribly long. There was the usual assortment of man-buns and other hipster accoutrements, but most of the beer lovers on hand seemed pretty normal - not that there's anything wrong with man-buns - with the demographics skewing towards the twenty-something crowd.

Not that there's anything wrong with that either.

Some of the people in line had been there for several hours but I didn't care that much. To each his or her own. With 200-plus bottles available my ticket number assured me of one of them - it's the 2014 version further aged in whiskey barrels with vanilla beans added, if you're wondering - and that was my only concern.

That and getting my hands on one of the delicious looking donuts I saw through the window being handed out with the bottles. It was a carb day after all.

Bourbon County Imperial Stout
 (Vanilla Rye) from Goose Island

Thirty minutes after my arrival I was in and pre-paying for the bottle while trying not to flinch at the $34.70 price. (I had no idea until then how much this was going to cost me: Ouch.) Then I had to run the gauntlet of Goose and LCBO officials handing out bottles like they were Santa Claus and his elves at a kids' Christmas party.

I picked up a bottle of Rochefort Trappiste 10 while I was there - the 11th ranked beer in the world (according to Rate Beer) that was a bit more affordable at $4 and change for 355 ml of Belgian goodness - and headed home; satisfied that the morning was well spent.

Turns out not all beer lovers approved of my little adventure, however. I saw a few posters on Facebook that could barely contain their excitement at the thought of drinking this 13.6 per cent brew, but other threads were less than complimentary.

Why, you ask? Despite the fact Bourbon County is the twenty-second highest ranked beer in the world (Rate Beer) and the release is extremely limited, the ownership of its brewers has put Goose Island squarely on the shit list in the eyes of a certain segment of the craft beer community.

Goose Island, as most of you know, was bought by InBev in 2011.

Stephen Beaumont, a Canadian who is one of the world's foremost beer writers, poked some fun at the hype surrounding the beer, asking his followers what the "opposite" of Bourbon County was. "I think I'll drink that today," he said.

Stephen did not dump on the beer, admitting he hadn't tried it but that he was not a fan of the hype surrounding it. Which is fine, because he was right. Bourbon County Vanilla Rye is over-hyped and certainly over-priced. But his pals quickly raised the bar on the vitriol. We had Ben the angry beer blogger ("I'm buying $35 worth of 'other beer' today at whatever fucking time I want"); and Chris the hipster slagging other hipsters for being hipsters ("Let the dolts stand in line for their over-priced fancy Budweiser").

I don't think I need to get into a long debate on the ethics of buying beer from craft breweries that have been snapped up by the macros lately because, frankly, I believe it should always be about the beer, not the conglomerate who owns it.

So here's a thought: how about you folks buy whatever beer you fucking want and leave the rest of us to do the same.

I haven't tried the beer yet - I'm hoping to do a bottle share with my friend Sarah (AKA My IPA Girl), who is soaking up the sun on a Cambodian beach (or some other exotic locale) as we speak and does plan to eventually return and, even more importantly, has a cellar full of world class beers - and I'll let you know if it was worth all the fuss.

By the way, the Rochefort Trappiste 10 was amazing.

The Broch and Punk IPA


I was in the Pickering LCBO - the best store we have out here in the wilds east of Toronto - and not having much luck when I ran into their beer guy.

"I'm looking for something different," says I, already starting to head for the door with my seen it-drank it-may actually own the t-shirt beer purchase. "A new IPA would be perfect. Got any of those?"

Turned out he did, and this shining star of the Ontario Government workforce pointed to a row of tall boys on the back wall. "We have Punk IPA. You want a case? I have plenty in the back."

Punk IPA. From Brewdog. A beer I have been chasing since I first heard of it six months before. Um...yeah, I want that.

Punk IPA. And that's the wedding picture of my grandparents
 Fred Hendry (Fraserburgh) and Jean Gatt (Pennan)

Punk IPA is found in many LCBO outlets now, but this was the first time for me. And truth be told, it was a little underwhelming when I drank it about two minutes after I got home. It was good, with tropical fruit and light citrus, and I have enjoyed it numerous times since that first one, But it was a little British IPA-ish, actually.

Which shouldn't be too surprising as it is British. Scottish actually. And that was a big part of the attraction for me.

I first heard of Punk IPA on a "30 IPAs to drink before you die" list, which intrigued me. Then I read about the frequent collaboration between Brewdog founders James Watt and Martin Dickie and Stone Brewing, the California brewery that can do no wrong. That certainly piqued my interest as well.

But the kicker for me was that Brew Dog was founded in 2007 in the Broch, the Aberdeenshire town better known as Fraserburgh and better known to me as the place where my father grew up.

Punk IPA retails in the LCBO for $3.40 a can but an IPA from my father's hometown?

Priceless.

Time does no Damage  to the Diodes (and makes for a pretty awesome IPA)

The shit-eating grin never left his face, still dripping with sweat moments after he left the stage, when I asked James Gorry the question.

"What was cooler?" I wondered, summoning all my years of journalism interviewing experience, "Opening for The Diodes, brewing a beer for The Diodes, or PLAYING with The Diodes?"

Gorry, who is the brewmaster at Manantler Craft Brewing of Bowmanville by day and the singer and guitarist for local punk band Tijuana Jesus by night, was almost at a loss for words. "A little bit of everything," he finally said. "It was all cool."

It was quite a night for Mr. Gorry, for Manantler (Ontario's best new brewery, in my opinion), and for the local punk scene when seminal Toronto punk band The Diodes hit the stage at Manantler's cool little brewpub (in the even cooler Bowmanville Factory brownfield development) on September 12.

The Diodes formed in 1976 and were one of the first local punk acts to make it big, thanks to hits like Tired of Waking Up Tired and Catwalker. The band, along with their manager, Ralph Alfonso, also opened Crash 'N' Burn, Toronto's first punk club, which hosted punk legends from
the Ramones to the Dead Boys.

James Gorry (centre) and Chris Allott of Manantler Brewery help
Paul Robinson, the lead singer of The Diodes, launch Time Damage IPA

The band broke up a half-dozen years later after a short stint in England, and the members went their separate ways until Alfonso, a punk legend in his own right, got most of the original members together in 2010 and 2011 and again this year for a mini tour of Ontario and Quebec.

"We wanted to recreate some of the magic we had at the Crash 'N' Burn," Alfonso said of the tour, which saw the band (with Gordie Lewis of Teenage Head fame and his band at two of the stops) visit the Phoenix concert theatre in Toronto, as well as small venues in Brantford, Hamilton, Bowmanville and Montreal. "And people wanted see The Diodes and Teenage Head playing together."

The Phoenix show, Alfonso added, had some of that magic.

"At the end of the set Gordie came out and sang (Bowie's) Jean Genie with the band and one guy went on Facebook and said 'that's it for my bucket list.'"

But how did Manantler get in on the action, I asked him, and what's the story behind the beer?

"Well," he said, his exhibit of rare photographs, memorabilia and albums from the era at his side, "James (Gorry) knew the bass player (Ian Mackay), he played in a punk band (Tijuana Jesus) and he worked in a brewery. So we  said, let's go make a beer. Craft beer is the new indie rock, you know. The big guys are corporate rock."

Gorry remembers talking to Mackay about Manantler creating a beer for the band.

"They contacted us and asked us if we could do the beer and I said, 'can you do the gig?' The Diodes, man. We're in!"

And Time Damage IPA - named after the band's 1977 album - was born. Gorry could have chosen any style - Mackay mentioned something about being partial to wheat beers - but for an iconic punk rock band like The Diodes, only a hopped up IPA would do, he said.

I loved the beer. One of my favourite Manantler offerings, and I'm a big fan of these guys.."Smells fantastic, with grapefruit and mango most prominent," is what I said when I reviewed it on Rate Beer. "Chinook, Ahtanum, Citra and Simcoe hops - the latter an ode to the "Simcoe Sound" attributed to Toronto-area bands of the 70s and 80s by music producer legend Daniel Lanois - give the beer a big citrus punch with just enough bitterness to satisfy. An outstanding IPA."

John Catto, the lead guitarist/songwriter for The Diodes, agreed. "Delicious!" he declared.

(The Phoenix gig - the first stop on the tour - was supposed to be the launch of Time Damage IPA, but "beer agreements already in place" put the kibosh on that plan and the beer was launched in Bowmanville instead. I think I've heard of these 'beer agreements' before.)

With the beer done, all Gorry had to worry about was getting his band ready to open for a legendary punk band. Shouldn't be that hard for an experienced band with ... one gig to their name?

Gorry on stage with Tijuana Jesus

No worries. Gorry's vocals were strong, his pal Matt was crazy and good on lead guitar and the rhythm section of Hooper (drums) and Luke (bass) was on point. They got the crowd of nearly 100 on their feet (there weren't any chairs anyway) and were the perfect lead-in to the The Diodes' set.

The band opened (appropriately) with Time Damage and closed with Tired of Waking Up Tired before bringing Gorry on stage for the encore, which included Catwalker and Jean Genie.

The crowd loved the set, and so did the band, if Catto's opinion the next day on social media meant anything.

"Last night at Manantler Brewery was a ton o' fun, closer to the Crash 'n' Burn experience than anything I've done in years, blasting away in a white painted concrete basement.," he said. "'A "Cellar Full Of Noise,' as Brian Epstein put it, in all the right ways."

Gorry, with that shit-eating grin probably still on his face when he woke up the next day, would second that emotion.

What's in a name? Belgian IPAs always in style

At the risk of offending legendary beer writer Stephen Beaumont, I love Belgian IPAs.

I love how the spiciness from the Belgian yeast melds so beautifully with the indulgent lashings of West Coast hops to produce something ridiculously delicious. I love how, when done well, Belgian IPAs are hoppy and bitter and yet taste so clean.

It's an IPA but it's not and I love it. But I said that already.

Categorizing this style has been difficult for some, who use the argument that Belgium has so many different types of beer it would be impossible to call one "Belgian-style." Beaumont, who has been called a personal hero and his "favourite Canadian" (with William Shatner) by my second favourite Kiwi, reigning New Zealand Beer Writer of Year Neil Miller, is one of those critics.

Beaumont is quite passionate on the subject, declaring that Belgian beer is beer that is "brewed and fermented in Belgium. Period." In case he wasn't being clear, he added that even calling it Belgian-style is wrong as the phrase is a "largely meaningless and belittling adjective."

I can agree with him on the second point - 'Belgian-style' is over-used and somewhat trite - but the Belgian IPA label is in fact a perfect way to describe them.

The style is fairly new and did originate in Belgium when a few local brewers, inspired by the American India Pale Ale, began brewing hoppy ales for the U.S. market. The Belgian IPA style really took off when American brewers (and Canadian, as well as others) began brewing super hoppy beers using west coast hops and Belgian yeasts.

The result was spectacular awesomness, particularly for the North American iteration, the only examples of the style I've enjoyed so far.

(The complicated and convoluted history of the Belgian IPA breaks down thusly: It is an American (or Canadian) style inspired by Belgian beers, which were inspired by American IPAs, which were in turn inspired by English IPAs. I feel inspired already.)

So what's in a name? I'll give you five, each representing a legendary (or legendary-in-the-making) brewery: La Formidable from Beau's (Ottawa Valley) and Gigantic (Portland, Oregon); Princess Wears Girl Pants from Sawdust City (Gravenhurst); Catherine Wheel from Bellwoods (Toronto); Cali-Belgique from Stone (Escondido, California); and Derniere Volonte from Dieu du Ciel (Montreal).

(Derniere Volonte - which means Last Will in French - is the clear winner for me. It ticks off all the boxes and it is so smooth on the tongue it  tastes like a spicy, seven per cent alcohol creamsicle. A world class beer from a world class brewery that I have enjoyed just twice, and not once this year. Please LCBO, apologize to Dieu du Ciel - or whatever you have to do - and bring this beer back to Ontario.)

Montreal's finest - Derniere Volonte from Dieu du Ciel

Each of my Fab Five beers are called 'Belgian IPAs' at Beer Advocate, a grassroots network of beer enthusiasts based in Boston (Motto: Respect Beer). Belgian IPAs are described as having a "cleaner bitterness" vs. American styles, and a "pronounced dry edge (very Belgian), often akin to an IPA crossed with a Belgian Tripel," with alcohol generally on the high side. "Many examples are quite cloudy, and feature tight lacing, excellent retention, and fantastic billowy heads that mesmerize."

Sounds tasty.

Rate Beer, the world's largest consumer-based beer rating network, takes a different approach. The organization does not classify any beers as Belgian IPAs.

Princess Wears Girl Pants is listed as a Double IPA on Rate Beer, Derniere Volonte as a Belgian Ale and the other three as simply Indian Pale Ales. Score one for Mr. Beaumont.

It's hit or miss with the category at major beer festivals. At the Great American Beer Festival in Denver, Belgian IPAs fall under the American Belgo Style category, while there is no mention of the category at all at the Ontario Brewing Awards.

The U.S.-based Beer Judge Certification Program, for what it's worth, describes Belgian IPAs as "an IPA with the fruitiness and spiciness derived from the use of Belgian yeast" and classifies it as  a Speciality IPA.

The aforementioned Mr. Miller, the standard bearer for beer writing on the planet (despite admittedly not being a big fan of Belgian IPAs), once referred to the style as a "USA/Belgium IPA." That works for me as well.

I should point out that I am a huge fan of Mr. Beaumont - one of the world's foremost authorities on beer and the author of numerous books on the subject (including The Pocket Beer Guide, which he co-authored with Tim Webb and is now in its third printing) - and would never want to irritate a man who, in the one and only social media thread we participated in together, sang O Canada (sort of), simply because I challenged him to prove his Canadian status.

Stephen Beaumont: Canadian. Neil Miller: Honorary Canadian

Damn if he didn't come through on the dare, so long as you consider "Da, da, da da...da, da da da da da...Da, da, da da..." to be called 'singing.'

Full points for the effort, though.

No matter how they're classified, Belgian IPAs will always hold a special place in this lover of IPAs and their friends' heart. They are hoppy, they are spicy, they are delicious and I love them.

But I'm sure I said that already.

Cheers!