The real truths of the universe can be found in only a select few places.
You won’t find them on the covers of the National Enquirer or on reality TV and you won’t find them in a box of Crackerjacks. (Those are called prizes.)
True wisdom can and should be discovered through hard work, intense study and self-sacrifice. But if you don’t have time to find your inner peace that way, there are two other options: fortune cookies and beer.
Fortune cookies are the traditional path to enlightenment and the words on those tiny slips of paper found inside semi-edible biscuits that no one actually eats are usually profound and always filled with truthy bits, like “Conquer your fears or they will conquer you” and “You only need to look to your own reflection for inspiration. Because you are beautiful.”
There are also useful nuggets such as “Good news from afar may bring you a welcome visitor” and my personal favourite, “If you are afraid to shake the dice, you will never throw a six.”
You can’t do Vegas without intimate knowledge of that pearl of wisdom.
Beer is also a place where truth springs eternal, but I don’t mean the wisdom found at the bottom of the bottle(s). That kind of wisdom – “You stole my beer, you sonuvabitch” or, even more hazardous, “I love you” – is dangerous and the kinds of truth best left inside the bottle(s).
No, I mean the wisdom found under the bottle caps of Smashbomb Atomic IPAs.
There, you can find truths that act as both challenges to doubters and affirmations of one’s love of beer, such as “You can have my beer when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” as well as messages promoting the power of perseverance: “Pry and pry again.”
Sometimes, Smashbomb asks important questions (because you can never know too much stuff) like “Okay, what’s the speed of the dark?” while other Smashbomb messages offer lessons in economics: “Living on Earth is expensive, but it includes a free trip around the Sun.”
Sometimes the messages are really well-meaning snippets of constructive criticism, such as “Your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others,” “Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver,” and “Who died and made you Darth Vader?”
Smashbomb truths can refer to pop culture, such as “Vote for Pedro” and “Plastics,” and they can also be religious in nature: “Jesus loves you but I’m his favourite.” They can be thought provoking: “He who laughs last thinks slowest, or drinks the most beer;” and “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.” Sometimes they can be uplifting messages you share with your friends or co-workers: “Congratulations! You’re not illiterate.”
The wisdom found under Smashbomb bottle caps can also be used in everyday life: “Be nice or leave. Gossip accordingly,” and “Keep the change.”
They can also be downright inspirational, both for the reader (that would be you): “Carpe Beerum … Seize the Beer;” and, because what’s inside the bottle may need a little encouragement from time to time, for the Smashbomb Atomic itself: “Go beer.”
Wise words. From a very wise beer.